The term “lovable bigot” might seem contradictory, but there is perhaps no better descriptor for Archie Bunker of Hauser Street. Before TV executives began regulating content more strictly, there was no predicting what might come out of his mouth. While much of his dialogue has not aged well with cultural shifts, some of Bunker’s lines remain undeniably hysterical.
Archie was a goldmine of hyperboles, misspeakings, and malapropisms, all of which contributed to his unique sense of humor. He’s the cantankerous old man everyone knows, and his aptitude for zingers, one-liners, and turns of phrase is, for lack of a better word, remarkable.
Updated on October 4th, 2021 by Zach Gass: Despite his blatant ignorance, frequent faux pas, and overall brutal butchering of the English language, Archie remains one of the funniest family members from a ’70s sitcom, even with his less-than-likable reputation. Behind his twisted sense of humor lies an element of wisdom and truth that still resonates today. While they might require a more modern interpretation, Archie’s witticisms continue to amuse and provoke thought decades later. As the saying goes, an old classic never goes out of style.
“Somebody’s Gotta Be Dead, That’s Life”
Archie isn’t what many would consider a scholar of life, but there’s something incredibly philosophical about this little gem. It might be crude and abrasive, but there’s undeniable truth in his statement. He might not be Mufasa, but there’s a certain “Circle of Life” vibe here. The humor lies in the delivery and the bluntness of the wording. Death isn’t typically a humorous topic, but that doesn’t stop Archie from throwing his hat in the ring.
“Gonna Take All Of My Thinking And All Of My Consecration”
One of Archie’s most frequently-used skills is his uncanny ability to misconstrue words and terms passionately, yet still convey his point perfectly. He’ll use the completely wrong term but believe wholeheartedly that he’s 101% correct. This line exemplifies his unique logic. While his “concentration” skills might be a bit rusty, they always provide a good laugh.
“Entertainment’s A Thing Of The Past, Now We Got Television”
This line initially comes across as a joke criticizing network TV, likely an inside joke between the cast and producers. However, with the passage of time, the phrase brings to mind other quips like “hundreds of channels and nothing to watch.” Archie might have been referring to live entertainment, but his sentiment still applies today.
“Everyone I Like Stays The Hell Away From Me”
Archie has many moments where he sums up his personality in a single sentence, and this line is a prime example. He’s a curmudgeon through and through, and few quotes capture his antisocial nature as perfectly as this one. His unfiltered dislike for so many things makes him a goldmine for comedic one-liners and quotes like this.
“God Can Do Anything! He Can Turn Your Jawbone Into An Ass!”
Archie is hilarious when grumpy, but when religion is involved, it’s a whole new ballgame. His mincing of terms provides another golden quote. Here, he’s blending two different scriptures, trying to reference the fate of Lot’s wife in Genesis but quoting a phrase from Judges where Samson uses a “jawbone of an ass” to smite the Philistines. It’s confusing but funny nonetheless.
“We’re Just Sweeping Dirty Dishes Under the Rug”
This quote is a classic example of Archie’s malapropisms. The correct phrase would be to “sweep the dirt under the rug,” but Archie’s version, with his unique inflection, is hilarious. While dirty dishes might be harder to hide than dirt, his butchering of the phrase is always good for a laugh.
“Don’t Draw Me No Diaphragms”
Archie’s misuse of the word “diaphragm” during a discussion of pelvic construction is both humorous and a bit of an anatomy lesson. When Mike says, “It’s just pelvic construction; women are built differently,” Archie retorts, “Oh please don’t draw me no diaphragms.” The misuse of the word, combined with the context, ensures a laugh every time.
“The Lord Might Be Smilin’ On The Sheeps, But They Still Wind Up As Lambchops”
This line showcases Archie’s blend of humor and cold truth. It might be his way of saying, “this too shall pass.” Though it shows All in the Family’s darker side, there’s a shred of truth in it. It’s another example of Archie’s unique way of interpreting life’s realities.
“Patience Is A Virgin”
The correct phrase is “patience is a virtue,” but Archie delivers this with a humorous twist. It’s likely a play on “patient as a novice/nun.” Despite the malapropism, the verbal humor is undeniable.
“Poifect English”
Irony is wonderful, and this line is a beautifully ironic example. Archie’s brutal butchering of the English language is well-documented, but this quote deserves a standing ovation. “No bum that can’t speak poifect English oughta stay in this country – oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!” It’s a warped point of view shared by many, but hilariously expressed by Archie.
“Your Own Privates”
“What ya do in the privates of your own room is your own privates.” This line is so wrong it’s almost right. Archie’s meaning is clear: what you do in the privacy of your own room is your business. This line, with its double entendre, never fails to amuse.
“We Better Not, Ya know, Kill Our Chickens Before They Cross The Road”
Archie’s take on “counting one’s chickens before they hatch” is another dose of twisted humor with hidden wisdom. This line might be wordy, but its delivery is excellent. It’s a win in the big book of Bunker sayings.
“If It’s Too Hot in the Kitchen, Stay Away from the Cook”
Archie’s take on the phrase “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen” by President Harry Truman is another almost accurate quote. He’s essentially saying the same thing but with his own warped version. This line is another example of Archie sprinkling in a little extra ego with his adaptation.
“Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow is Sorry, but Cleveland Burned Anyway”
This rare and beautiful line from Archie is almost 99% correct. Replace Cleveland with Chicago, and it’s a decent metaphor. Archie references the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, attributing it to Mrs. O’Leary’s cow. It’s an interesting, if confused, metaphor, but one with a certain cleverness.
“Meathead, Dead from the Neck Up”
This is the pinnacle of all Archie Bunker quotes. It’s so iconic that it’s practically his catchphrase, right next to “Edith, will ya stifle yourself?” Whenever Archie mentions “Meathead,” he’s referring to his liberal, atheist son-in-law, Mike Stivic. This term is used at least once or twice per episode and is the one phrase most closely associated with Archie Bunker, making it the top Archie-ism.
